Two to One Road

Last night, awakened by the beating of my heart and aching of my head, I noticed that tears had drawn a line on my face. Familiar images and scenes started to appear right before my eyes, as if I was watching a movie in a theater. A man, whose voice I have been hearing since the day of consciousness, exposed one thing to me—how I ought to love. The epiphany may not bother people who are already sure that it is only with the heart that we can truly love. (I’m referring to the metaphorical heart, of course.) The issue as far as they are concerned is not debatable. I used to be one of those people, but not anymore.

I had my first girlfriend when I was already a senior in college (took me long to have one, I know). Was it because I was waiting, or was it because I was searching? I guess I was doing both. Just like most people, I was waiting and looking for someone I could love, someone who would love me in return, someone who would witness my life and affirm my existence, someone I could watch sunset with, someone I could celebrate and cry with. Because I trusted my heart, I allowed it to choose for me. Come the day when I laid my eyes on a girl, as Paris first saw Helen, I allowed my self to fall all the way. My brain, told me it wasn’t the right time yet. But my heart insisted: “She’s the one.” Time proved my heart wrong though, and my girl, while breaking up with me said, “I never loved you.”

Five months ago, I met another girl who attracted me the same way. That time though, I no longer trusted my heart (After what it did to me? No way!). And that doubt persists even now. Everytime I want to see this new girl, my brain screams at me to stop and think—about NFA rice, tuition fees, fares, hospitalization, expenses and the like. Having all of these things in my head, the idea of committing to a woman and the thought of putting my self on the line of economic instability, seem unlikely. After all, I know better now.

Einstein once said: “If your head tells you one thing, and your heart tells you another, before you do anything, decide first whether you have a better head or a better heart.” Well, after seven years in elementary, four years in high school, and another four in college, I believe at the moment in the power of my brain to decide what’s best for me. As for happiness…, let me put it this way: I may not be euphoric, but at least I know, I’m traveling safe.